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TRƯỜNG SA LÀ CỦA VIỆT NAM.

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Khi ấy, cả nước đang giận giữ vì tin Trung Quốc chiếm hai quần đảo. Những trang nhật ký của một học sinh cấp ba là tôi đã từng có lúc vượt ra khỏi những vụn vặt cá nhân tới như vậy. 

Thời gian học đại học, lấy chồng và sinh con là những thay đổi rất lớn của cuộc đời, tôi gặp nhiều va vấp, có nhiều nỗi lòng cứ dồn lại rồi mông lung trong đầu, không thể sắp xếp lại nghiền ngẫm và giải quyết cho ổn thỏa. Thế là, tôi lại viết. 

Quay đầu nhìn lại những chặng đường đã qua, tôi đã nhận ra việc viết có ý nghĩa với tôi như thế nào. 

Tôi viết để trò chuyện với chính mình

Nhu cầu giao tiếp là bản chất của con người. Thế nhưng dường như chúng ta không có thói quen giao tiếp theo chiều sâu khi trò chuyện với nhau thường ngày. Trong khi đó, trang viết vừa như một tấm gương để ta tự soi những suy tư của bản thân mình, lại vừa như một người bạn lặng im nghe ta trò chuyện. Vì vậy mà cuốn sổ nhật ký màu xanh lá kia tuy nhỏ nhưng giống như một người bạn bí mật luôn ở bên, lắng nghe và trò chuyện cùng tôi thời nhỏ. Mỗi lần mở sổ ra là một lần tôi bước vào thế giới tâm hồn của chính mình. Tôi thỏa sức được kể chuyện, nhận định, mộng mơ trong một khu vườn bí mật – nó cho tôi cảm giác an toàn và ấm áp chẳng thể tìm ở nơi nào khác. 

Tôi viết để thể hiện bản thân với thế giới

Người Á Đông vẫn có một lối nghĩ ngại thể hiện, giấu đi cái tôi, sợ khác biệt. Tôi yêu thương những người xung quanh nhiều lắm nhưng vẫn có một bức tường vô hình khiến tôi không dám thể hiện một cách tự nhiên. Những lá thư tay là một kênh giao tiếp tinh tế hơn với những người thân thiết – tôi được viết những lời cảm ơn, thương yêu, chúc mừng, được nói về cảm xúc vui buồn của chính mình mà không có cảm giác ngần ngại như khi “hai mặt một lời”. Khi viết, tôi tự tin mang tình cảm của mình tới với những người tôi yêu thương, và tôi cũng tự tin thể hiện quan điểm của mình với thế giới. 

Tiếp theo, tôi viết để sắp xếp tư duy và cảm xúc của chính mình. 

Tại sao khi lập gia đình rồi sinh con, nghĩa là lúc bắt đầu đối diện với những sóng gió của cuộc sống hoàn toàn mới, mối quan hệ mới với những ràng buộc và trách nhiệm, tôi vẫn phải tìm về với viết? Khi mọi hiểu biết mới, trăn trở và cảm xúc đều rối tung trong đầu, thì một cách rất tự nhiên tôi lại cầm bút viết. Nó giống như khi đói thì cần ăn, khát cần uống nước. Chỉ có viết ra tôi mới có thể hệ thống lại những suy nghĩ và cảm xúc của mình. Từ đó, tôi bình tĩnh và nhìn nhận vấn đề toàn diện hơn, giải quyết được vấn đề tốt hơn. Tôi biết chắc rằng câu trả lời của mọi vấn đề thực ra đều nằm ở bên trong mình, và viết chính là một cách hiệu quả để tôi tìm ra nó. 

Tôi còn viết để chia sẻ những trải nghiệm của mình cho ai đó, và để tìm lại bản ngã đã mất của chính mình

Nguyên nhân sâu xa nhất thúc đẩy tôi tiếp tục viết một cách nghiêm túc chính là đây. Một cách tự nhiên, tôi bắt đầu hành trình làm vợ, làm mẹ ở thời điểm sớm so với bạn bè cùng trang lứa. Cuộc sống bỗng xoay quanh những thiên thần nhỏ, ai làm mẹ cũng sẽ đánh mất một phần nhận dạng cá nhân của mình. Một ngày, tôi bỗng không biết mình là ai và tồn tại trên đời để làm gì nữa.

Quyết định lập gia đình và có con là quyết định một đi không trở lại. Tôi hạnh phúc rồi đau khổ, chối bỏ rồi chấp nhận, rối bời rồi bình yên. Qua những biến cố, tôi đúc rút được nhiều điều, hiểu hơn về chính mình, thế giới, những người xung quanh và mối quan hệ giữa tôi với mọi người. Tôi tin rằng những trải nghiệm này nếu được viết thành con chữ sẽ có ích cho ai đó cũng đang bối rối như tôi đã từng. 

Cho tới bây giờ tôi vẫn đi tìm câu trả lời cho câu hỏi: Mình là ai, và mình ở đây để làm gì? Tôi biết rằng đây là câu hỏi ai cũng phải trả lời, và không phải chỉ ngày một ngày hai mà tìm ra được. Tôi tin rằng việc viết sẽ giúp tôi trên con đường này. Khi những gì tôi viết ra là có ích cho đời thì tôi cũng hiểu hơn thêm về giá trị của bản thân. Cứ thế từng bước, tôi tin rằng việc viết sẽ giúp tôi tìm lại bản ngã và tự tin tồn tại trong cuộc sống này. 

Thương yêu,

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