Đó là một tối thứ Tư bình thường. Lũ trẻ đang cười đùa, trước mặt chúng là những món ăn tôi vừa nấu.
“Các con ăn đi nhé!”
Tôi vừa nói vừa quay lại với đống đồ bừa bộn trên bệ nấu.
Vào những ngày tôi may mắn, hai chị em sẽ ngấu nghiến ăn trong khi cười đùa vui vẻ với nhau, còn tôi sẽ được yên thân với đống nồi niêu cần rửa.
Nhưng tối đó không phải là một buổi tối như vậy. Lũ trẻ có vẻ hờ hững với đồ ăn. Lạc nói:
“Con không thích ăn thịt băm. Con muốn ăn trứng cơ.”
Bia hùa theo:
“Con cũng thích ăn trứng cơ.”
Thực tình, tôi sẽ chỉ mất hai phút để đảo thêm đĩa trứng và rồi mọi chuyện sẽ đều ổn thỏa. Nhưng hôm đó tôi đang không vui. Cả tuần mất ngủ đã khiến tôi uể oải, công việc cũng đang không xuôi. Về nhà, tôi chỉ muốn quẳng mọi thứ sang một bên và nằm xuống nghỉ, vậy mà tôi vẫn đang đứng ở đây nấu nướng, dọn dẹp. Tôi có cảm giác không phải chúng đang từ chối món ăn tôi nấu, mà cả thế giới đang từ chối những cố gắng của tôi. Bất giác, tôi òa khóc.
Chỉ có những người mẹ mới hiểu cảm giác này. Ngày trước, chúng ta ăn khi đói, nghỉ khi mệt, đi đâu đó khi cần giải tỏa. Nhưng bây giờ chúng ta có thể đi đâu và làm gì, khi còn mang trách nhiệm của một người mẹ? Dù bạn có mệt hay chán nản đến đâu, vẫn luôn có những bữa cơm cần nấu, những quần áo bẩn cần giặt, những đứa trẻ cần được tắm rửa và những đồ đạc cần được dọn dẹp. Làm mẹ là công việc không có ngày nghỉ phép.
Nhưng hiếm có khi nào tôi khóc trước mặt con.
Từ lâu, tôi đã coi phòng tắm là một “trạm-khóc” để tự chữa lành. Nước từ vòi hoa sen chảy lên đầu, trên vai và tràn trên mặt, hòa tan dòng nước mắt. Nỗi buồn, tức giận, thất vọng rồi sẽ theo nước chảy đi, và tôi lại trở về trạng thái cân bằng khi bước ra từ phòng tắm.
Đó cũng là một cách hay để giải tỏa cảm xúc, nhưng một người mẹ không phải lúc nào cũng có thể bỏ mọi thứ và trốn đi! Trong khi đó, đối với các con, tôi là cả một miền êm ấm và an toàn, nơi chúng có thể dựa vào bất cứ lúc nào. Nếu nhìn thấy những giọt nước mắt của tôi, liệu chúng có cảm thấy hoang mang vì chỗ dựa vững chắc của chúng thì ra cũng có những lúc ngả nghiêng?
Tôi đã thuộc nằm lòng bài học rằng: Trẻ nhỏ cần có được cảm giác an toàn từ cha mẹ, thì mới mong sau này trở nên gan góc, kiên cường. Cho con thấy khoảnh khắc yếu đuối nhất của mình, tôi có đang phá vỡ cảm giác an toàn ấy? Hay là, tôi vẫn nên giấu đi cảm xúc của mình và tỏ ra mạnh mẽ, vui vẻ trước em bé của tôi?
Sự thật là chúng ta không thể giấu con mãi mãi. Trẻ con có thể không biết nhiều thứ, nhưng trực giác tự nhiên của chúng thì nhạy bén không ngờ. Chúng thậm chí còn cảm nhận được cảm xúc của bạn rõ hơn cả chính bạn biết về mình (vì nhiều người lớn lên đã bị “trơ” với cảm xúc của bản thân). Những lời ta nói, những vẻ mặt ta cố tạo nên không che được mắt con đâu.
Vậy nên, việc ta cố giấu che đi những khía cạnh yếu đuối, bất toàn của bản thân chỉ làm cho ta mất đi tính nhất quán trong mắt con. Trong khi đó, cảm xúc là điều bình thường ở con người, và nó cần được bộc lộ ra ngoài chứ không phải bị đè nén vào trong. Sau số ít lần bật khóc ngon lành trước mặt con, tôi chợt nhận ra nó không ảnh hưởng tiêu cực tới con như tôi vẫn nghĩ. Ngược lại, nó là cơ hội để bọn trẻ học được nhiều điều về cảm xúc con người.
Con hiểu rằng cảm xúc là điều bình thường ở mỗi con người, KỂ CẢ MẸ. Hiểu biết này giúp con có cái nhìn bao dung hơn về cảm xúc của chính mình. “À, mỗi khi mình buồn, đó cũng là điều bình thường thôi. Không phải có vấn đề gì với mình cả.”
Con hiểu rằng việc thể hiện cảm xúc là cần thiết. Nỗi buồn, sự giận dữ, sự thất vọng đến rồi sẽ đi, như cơn sóng dâng lên rồi rút xuống. Mẹ có thể khóc một chút, nhưng nó sẽ giúp mẹ tìm lại sự cân bằng. Con cũng có thể làm điều tương tự.
Việc thành thực cảm xúc với con, cho con thấy những khía cạnh yếu đuối của bạn cũng là cách để con làm điều tương tự khi con gặp khó khăn. Lúc này, sự thành thực của bạn khiến con thêm tin tưởng và kết nối thêm sâu sắc.
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