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Thời lượng đọc: 5 phút
Hôm đó, Lạc dúi Bia ngã chổng kềnh vì tội ngang bướng, tranh đồ chơi của chị. Bà ngoại bảo:
– Lạc như thế là chị không ngoan rồi. Ngày xưa, mẹ Thủy biết nhường cậu Sơn lắm. Ông bà đi làm, mẹ Thủy ở nhà chăm cậu Sơn, nhường đồ chơi cho cậu, dỗ cậu khéo lắm.
Tối đó mẹ về, Lạc bảo tôi:
– Mẹ là chị tốt còn con là chị xấu. Con cũng muốn được như mẹ.
Nghĩ ngợi một tí rồi lại tự nói:
– Con là chị xấu, con không bằng mẹ.
Ban đầu, tôi tỏ ra khá bất bình:
-Ôi sao con lại nói thế. Con là chị tuyệt vời nhất luôn. Con giúp em việc A, nhường em việc B. Thế là giỏi lắm rồi.
Nhưng sau đó, bằng sự nhạy cảm của người mẹ mà tôi thấy vẫn không ổn lắm, vì con bé có vẻ không bị thuyết phục. Mắt nó không sáng lên cái vẻ tự hào khi nó tin vào giá trị của chính mình.
Một người bố cũng từng thuộc dạng con ngoan trò giỏi, có con trai năm nay vào lớp một, hỏi tôi: “Phải làm gì để con không tự ti khi liên tục bị họ hàng, làng xóm so sánh với bố hồi bé?”
Trẻ 5-6 tuổi bắt đầu sống trong các mối quan hệ xã hội. Chúng bắt đầu lắng nghe những ý kiến, đánh giá của người khác và hình thành ý niệm về bản thân.
Xinh – xấu. Ngoan – hư. Hào phóng – ích kỷ. Giỏi – dốt.
Với tư duy kiểu nhị nguyên, người lớn và thậm chí là trẻ lớn (anh chị) sẽ gán đứa trẻ vào một trong hai thái cực này. Và đó cũng chính là điều tôi đang làm với Lạc trong ví dụ trên – tôi chọn đẩy con vào giới hạn trên: nghĩa là, khi con đặt dấu chấm hỏi về giá trị của con, tôi sẽ cố gắng thuyết phục con rằng con rất tốt, rất giỏi, rất xinh, rất ngoan, v.v.
Tôi làm việc này với ý tốt và lòng yêu thương dĩ nhiên của một người mẹ, thì tại sao vẫn cảm thấy không ổn? Đó là bởi vì, dù đẩy con vào giới hạn trên hay giới hạn dưới, thì nó đều gây hại như nhau!
Trong cả hai trường hợp, một cách gián tiếp, tôi đang lý tưởng hóa sự xinh, tốt, giỏi, hoàn hảo, v.v. trong mắt con.
Con sẽ hiểu rằng xinh, tốt, giỏi, hoàn hảo là những đích cần phải đạt đến trong cuộc sống, còn nếu không thì con sẽ hoàn toàn là kẻ thất bại, vô giá trị. Cứ thế lớn lên, con sẽ cố gắng để sống với những kỳ vọng, lúc nào cũng cảm thấy mình chưa đủ tốt, lúc nào cũng phải xinh hơn, giỏi hơn, tốt hơn nữa, nữa và nữa.
Cách hay hơn có lẽ là thừa nhận điều mà con cảm thấy.
“Đúng, con có làn da đen hơn các bạn.”
“Đúng, con không giỏi nhớ chữ cái.”
“Đúng, đôi lúc con đối xử chưa tốt với em.”
Nhưng quan trọng là sau đó, tôi sẽ tiết lộ cho con một sự thật “động trời” và có lẽ hơi “động chạm” rằng…
những người khác cũng vậy!
Đó là quy luật dành cho tất cả mọi người. Chúng ta đang sống trên một hành tinh của những kẻ ngốc nghếch, kém cỏi, hèn nhát, bất toàn. Con là một trong số đó và mẹ cũng vậy.
Dạy con cách chấp nhận con người mình vốn dĩ, chấp nhận sự yếu đuối và không hoàn hảo của mình – đó mới là hạt giống của sự tự tin đích thực.
Xin tự dặn lòng: để nuôi dưỡng lòng tự tin, đừng khen con tuyệt quá!
Hãy để con biết rằng người ta vẫn có thể sống một cuộc sống hạnh phúc, vui vẻ và mãn nguyện với những điểm yếu của mình, bắt tay làm hòa với sự không hoàn hảo của bản thân – và bạn phải làm gương cho điều đó!
Yêu thương,
Photo by Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash

Có thể bạn sẽ thích

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