Làm cha mẹ

Một người mẹ được sinh ra

Thời lượng đọc: 10 phút

2 giờ sáng, và tôi đang run lẩy bẩy trên bàn đẻ. Em bé nằm ngoan trên ngực mẹ, những đường kim khâu xiên qua da thịt chẳng còn nghĩa lý gì. Xong xuôi, mẹ con tôi được đón về phòng hậu sản. Mọi sự chú ý lúc này, kể cả của tôi, đều dồn về em bé. Tôi có cảm giác mình như vừa diễn tròn vai, lặng lẽ và hạnh phúc lui về phía hậu trường. 

Thời khắc ấy, tất cả mọi người đều xúc động vì sự xuất hiện của một sinh linh bé bỏng. Thế nhưng không ai biết rằng còn có một sự thay đổi khác cũng đồng thời xảy ra một cách lặng lẽ, ngấm ngầm mà thiêng liêng không kém.

Bên trong con người tôi, một phần nào đó đã chết đi và nhường chỗ cho một bản thể mới. 

Bản-thể-người-mẹ.

Và thế là dù chẳng ai hay biết, một người mẹ cũng vừa mới ra đời.

Nhưng tôi nào có biết điều đó cho đến tận sau này! Người ta thường nói về quá trình một em bé được sinh ra và lớn lên, nhưng ít ai nói về quá trình trở thành một người mẹ. Bản thân những người mẹ như tôi cũng chỉ sốt sắng học cách cho con bú, thay bỉm, bế ru, hiểu ý nghĩa tiếng khóc để đáp ứng nhu cầu ăn ngủ của con. Tôi nào biết rằng chính mình cũng cần được lắng nghe nhiều lắm.

Sau này tôi mới hiểu rằng, bên cạnh em bé, câu chuyện của chính tôi cũng không kém phần quan trọng. Tôi sẽ cảm thấy gì khi trở thành một người mẹ? Tôi sẽ trải qua những thử thách gì và dần trưởng thành ra sao? Tôi ước gì có ai hay cuốn sách nào đó đã chỉ bảo cho tôi biết những điều này. Cần phải có ai đó nói cho những người mẹ biết về những điều họ sắp trải qua. Bởi khi người mẹ hiểu được tâm lý của mình đang đi qua những thay đổi nào thì việc chăm sóc và quản lý cho cảm xúc trở nên dễ dàng hơn, từ đó mới có đủ nội lực để nuôi dưỡng những em bé hạnh phúc.

Vậy là tôi ở đây, để nói cho bạn nghe về những điều không ai nói. 

Không ai nói cho tôi biết rằng mình sẽ bị giằng co nhiều như vậy. 

Bởi một bên là bản năng người mẹ luôn muốn giữ con sát bên mình, bên kia là khát khao được tự do và tách biệt. Tôi muốn ôm con vào lòng nhưng lại muốn được tự do đi chơi khuya. Tôi muốn con lớn thật nhanh cho mình đỡ vất vả nhưng lại mong con đừng lớn nữa. 

Thực ra, trong bất kỳ mối quan hệ thân thiết nào cũng tồn tại song song hai luồng như vậy. Trong đó, tình mẫu tử là một mối quan hệ đặc biệt mật thiết và thiêng liêng. Đó cũng là lý do vì sao cảm giác giằng co trở nên mãnh liệt hơn bất cứ mối quan hệ nào bạn từng trải nghiệm. 

Nếu bạn đang cảm thấy mệt mỏi vì như bị xẻ làm đôi bởi những cảm xúc đối lập thì hãy nhớ rằng đó là cảm giác mà bất cứ người mẹ bình thường nào cũng sẽ trải qua. Chỉ là họ chẳng nói ra thôi. Làm mẹ là một trải nghiệm bao gồm cả hai thái cực: hạnh phúc – đau đớn, ta không thể chỉ chọn một trong hai. Điều duy nhất mà ta có thể làm lúc này là mở lòng ra đón nhận. Bạn biết không, sau gần 6 năm làm mẹ, đến giờ tôi bắt đầu mới tìm được điểm cân bằng và dần cảm thấy thoải mái mỗi khi trải qua những cảm xúc đối lập.

Không ai nói cho tôi biết rằng em bé sẽ thay đổi mọi mối quan hệ trong gia đình

Sinh con rồi mới sinh cha. Sinh cháu giữ nhà rồi mới sinh ông.

Ngoài sức tưởng tượng của tôi, sự xuất hiện của con vừa làm cho tôi và chồng xích lại gần nhau nhưng cũng vừa đẩy chúng tôi xa nhau. Chúng tôi cảm thấy cần nhau, dựa vào nhau hơn bao giờ hết mỗi lần con đau ốm. Nhưng chúng tôi cũng thường xuyên ngủ thiếp đi khi con ngủ, vì quá mệt không thể thức để tâm sự với nhau sau một ngày dài.

Chuyện nuôi dạy con cũng là nguyên nhân gây căng thẳng giữa chúng tôi và bố mẹ mình. Mặt khác, trải nghiệm nuôi con cũng giúp tôi hiểu và thương bố mẹ nhiều hơn bao giờ hết. Thậm chí, tôi có cảm giác như mỗi ngày con lớn là một ngày tôi sống lại tuổi thơ, kết nối với chính con người thơ bé để tự chữa lành những tổn thương.

Không ai nói cho tôi biết rằng có một khoảng cách quá lớn giữa ảo tưởng và hiện thực.

Ảo tưởng: Mình sẽ về dáng sớm thôi.

Thực tế: Cứ ăn nhiều cho có sữa đã.

Ảo tưởng: Mình sẽ luyện cho con tự ngủ, tự ăn.

Thực tế: Bế rong cũng được, miễn là con chịu ăn, con đã không ăn gì 15 tiếng 24 phút rồi.

Ảo tưởng: Em bé của mình sẽ diện những bộ cánh thật ngầu.

Thực tế: Quần áo bẩn hết rồi, mà giặt chưa cái nào khô.

Càng ảo tưởng, tôi càng chất lên vai mình nhiều áp lực. Phải cho đến khi đặt ảo tưởng sang một bên để vui vẻ thừa nhận thực tế chẳng hề đẹp đẽ gì, tôi mới được nhẹ nhõm làm mẹ. Và bạn, cũng nên như vậy đi thôi.

Không ai nói cho tôi biết rằng tôi sẽ luôn thấy mình có lỗi

Dù không nói ra, nhưng trong đầu tôi luôn nghĩ về một hình ảnh người mẹ lý tưởng (hay ảo tưởng) – một người mẹ xinh đẹp trẻ trung, luôn vui vẻ nhẹ nhàng, không bao giờ quát mắng con, nấu những món ăn ngon nhất. Tôi ngầm so sánh mình với hình ảnh đó để rồi thấy bẽ bàng, thất bại và có lỗi với con.

Cảm giác tội lỗi luôn thường trực vì tôi luôn đặt ra những tiêu chuẩn không tưởng cho chính mình. Tôi cho rằng mình phải vẹn toàn cả gia đình và công việc. Vậy nên khi tập trung cho công việc, tôi thấy có lỗi với con. Khi dành thời gian cho con, tôi thấy mình đang chậm tiến trên con đường sự nghiệp.

Nhắn nhủ

Nếu đang trải qua một hoặc vài điều trong những điều tôi vừa kể thì xin bạn hãy nhớ: những cảm giác khó chịu, chơi vơi, giằng xe mà bạn đang trải qua – tất cả đều hoàn toàn bình thường. Xin đừng quy chụp một cách nhị nguyên rằng: nếu bạn may mắn không trầm cảm sau sinh thì tất nhiên bạn sẽ trở thành một người mẹ hạnh phúc và hoàn hảo 24/24. Người mẹ như thế chỉ có trong truyền thuyết. Còn những người làm mẹ trong hoang mang nhưng vẫn tiếp tục cố gắng và tận hưởng hành trình, mới là những người mẹ thực sự tuyệt vời!

Yêu thương,

Có thể bạn sẽ thích

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