Làm cha mẹ

Làm mẹ, tôi là ai trong sự nghiệp của mình?

Thời lượng đọc: 9 phút

Tháng 2 năm 2017, tôi quay lại với công việc ở công ty sau 6 tháng nghỉ sinh em bé đầu tiên, trong lòng vừa bồn chồn vì xa con, vừa khấp khởi hi vọng tìm lại mình trước khi sinh. 

Trong suốt 6 tháng thai sản, mỗi ngày của tôi đều loanh quanh trong bốn bức tường nhà, chuyến đi thường xuyên nhất là từ giường ngủ đến phòng tắm, và công việc quan trọng nhất là cho bú – thay bỉm – ru ngủ cho một em bé. Sau những đêm dài thiếu ngủ, não tôi như đông đặc lại thành một khối bê tông, hiếm khi có ý tưởng gì mới lạ nảy ra từ đó. 

Tôi tưởng như đã quên mất chính mình. Quên mất những vai trò mình từng đảm nhận. Quên mất những mối quan tâm rất “người lớn” và tự do, chẳng liên quan gì đến bỉm và sữa. Và dù rất hạnh phúc khi được gần gũi với con, tôi vẫn luôn cảm thấy có một cảm giác khao khát vượt thoát day dứt đến lạ kỳ: tôi thèm đươc là mình, được sống cho chính mình lần nữa.

Ngày đầu tiên trở lại công ty, tôi cứ ngỡ mỗi ngày 8 tiếng xa con sẽ là cơ hội để tôi được khỏa lấp khao khát ấy. Văn phòng này, những người đồng nghiệp này, công việc này – mọi thứ vẫn nguyên vẹn như khi tôi nói lời tạm biệt trước khi lên bàn đẻ. Chính xác hơn thì gần như mọi thứ vẫn nguyên vẹn, ngoại trừ…chính tôi.

Đầu óc tôi lơ lơ lửng lửng như trên mây. Cho dù cố gắng đến đâu, tôi cũng không thể tìm lại trạng thái làm việc tập trung như trước. Những việc trước đây tôi làm trong 15 phút thì giờ phải 30 phút mới xong. Buổi sáng sau những đêm thức chăm con ốm, tôi ngáp ngắn ngáp dài trong cuộc họp, đầu ong ong gần như chẳng nghe thấy đồng nghiệp nói gì. 

Và chao ôi, đồng nghiệp! Họ thực sự rất độ lượng với tôi, chẳng ai chê trách gì, nhưng tôi luôn có cảm giác mình đang bị mọi người bỏ lại sau lưng. Tôi cảm thấy không còn thuộc về họ. Tôi tự trách bản thân sao lại trở nên nửa vời và kém hiệu quả trong công việc đến thế. Tôi cảm thấy mình thật có lỗi mỗi lần phải xin nghỉ vì con ốm, xin về sớm vì con không có ai trông.

Trong suốt cả phần đời trước đó, tôi luôn định nghĩa mình là một người có trách nhiệm trong công việc. Nhưng từ khi làm mẹ, tôi có cảm giác điều đó không còn đúng nữa. Tôi không biết giá trị của mình là gì trong công việc, trong sự nghiệp của mình. 

Tôi bị làm sao vậy?

Thực ra, tôi chẳng bị làm sao cả. 

Những nghiên cứu khoa học thần kinh đã cho thấy sau khi sinh con, phụ nữ trải qua những thay đổi trong hệ thần kinh, khiến họ không thể làm tốt những công việc mà họ thường làm trước khi có con. Nó là một cơ chế tự nhiên của cơ thể: não bộ của người mẹ đang tự điều chỉnh để tối ưu hơn với một vai trò mới và vô cùng quan trọng – làm mẹ. Nó cắt đi những kết nối nơ-ron cũ và tạo ra những kết nối mới cần thiết cho những kỹ năng làm mẹ. Đó là cơ chế tự nhiên giúp những đứa trẻ được che chở và lớn lên một cách an toàn. 

Nếu như trước đây bạn có khả năng hoàn thành một công việc quan trọng trong 15 phút, thì bây giờ bạn lại có thể nghe thấy tiếng con khóc dù cách xa mấy lớp cửa. Nếu như trước đây bạn có thể ngồi hàng giờ tập trung nghiên cứu một tài liệu thì nay bạn có thể thức 3 đêm liên tiếp để bế con mà vẫn dậy đi làm vào buổi sáng.

Tuy nhiên, tin buồn cho chúng ta là: những kết nối nơ-ron cũ bị cắt đi có thể là những kết nối từng giúp bạn tỏa sáng trong công việc. Và thế là, bạn sẽ giống như tôi và bao bà mẹ khác, khổ sở với bộ não cá vàng và liên tục đặt câu hỏi về giá trị của mình trong sự nghiệp. 

Không dừng lại ở đó, bản năng làm mẹ có những lúc tự dưng nổi lên cồn cào khi ở xa con. Trong chúng ta lúc nào cũng có hai bản thể: một bản thể thèm khát được chứng minh giá trị của mình thông qua công việc, sự nghiệp riêng, một bản thể khác là bản năng làm mẹ cứ thôi thúc chúng ta phải đặt con làm ưu tiên số 1. 

Và cứ như thế, khủng hoảng định dạng cá nhân kéo căng người mẹ như một sợi dây đàn. Chúng ta thường xuyên phải đối mặt với cảm giác lo lắng, căng thẳng, tự trách cứ. Nghĩ đến con thì có lỗi với công việc, tập trung cho công việc thì có lỗi với con. Không dưới một lần tôi tự hỏi: Tôi sẽ sống nửa vời và mờ nhạt như con ký sinh trùng như vậy cả đời sao?

Làm sao để tìm lại mình trong công việc

Tìm lại mình – bài toán muôn thuở mà mẹ nào cũng phải từ từ giải quyết. Tôi đã bàn về bài toán đó trong bài viết này. Tuy nhiên, có hai điều mà tôi muốn nhắn nhủ tới những người mẹ đang trải qua cảm giác bấp bênh trong sự nghiệp:

Định nghĩa lại về thành công

Nếu như với bạn trước đây, thành công là hoàn thành báo cáo một cách xuất sắc, thì nay hãy tự vỗ vai khen mình một cái mỗi khi bạn lết được đến công ty sau một đêm mất ngủ vì con. Nếu như trước đây bạn luôn rửa bát lau bạn sạch sẽ sau mỗi bữa ăn, thì nay chỉ cần đến bữa nhà vẫn còn đủ bát sạch ăn cơm là được. Nếu như mục tiêu trước đây của bạn là hoàn hảo, thì giờ hãy hài lòng ở mức hoàn thành. Hãy nhớ rằng trong những ngày tháng này, cách duy nhất để bình an là biết buông đi những kỳ vọng không thực tế.

Định nghĩa lại chính mình

Thay vì chăm chăm đi tìm lại những cảm giác, những khả năng mà bạn từng có trước khi làm mẹ, hãy chấp nhận rằng bạn của hiện tại là tổng hòa của cả cũ kỹ và mới mẻ. Bạn là nhiều thứ cùng một lúc. Bạn không hoàn toàn giống trước nhưng vẫn giữ phần nào giá trị cũ. Và bên cạnh đó là những giá trị mới, kỹ năng mới trong vai trò người mẹ.

Lời kết

Không có câu trả lời nào dễ dàng cho câu hỏi “Làm sao để tôi tìm lại chính mình” đang canh cánh trong lòng những người mới làm mẹ. Tôi chỉ có thể khẳng định rằng: từ từ từng chút một, mọi thứ sẽ sáng tỏ cả thôi.

Yêu thương,

Có thể bạn sẽ thích

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