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70% mâu thuẫn vợ chồng là không thể giải quyết – bí quyết nào cho một cuộc hôn nhân viên mãn?

Thời lượng đọc: 6 phút
There is no such thing as happily ever after.

Chẳng có gì là “happy ending” sau bất cứ lễ cưới nào cả. Kể cả khi bạn đã cưới được người đàn ông tuyệt vời nhất trên đời, người phụ nữ đáng yêu nhất thế gian, thì sau đám cưới vẫn là một con đường bạn cần đi chứ không phải là một đích đến.

Nhà nghiên cứu tâm lý John Mordecai Gottman với 40 năm kinh nghiệm nghiên cứu về hôn nhân bền vững từng nói: “Có một quan niệm sai lầm rằng cứ giải quyết được vấn đề là bạn đương nhiên sẽ hạnh phúc. Chúng ta cần dạy các cặp vợ chồng rằng họ sẽ không bao giờ giải quyết được hầu hết những vấn đề giữa hai người”. Vậy thì tại sao vẫn có nhiều cặp vợ chồng chung sống với nhau hạnh phúc tới đầu bạc răng long?

Sự tất yếu của mâu thuẫn vợ chồng

Không riêng gì quan hệ hôn nhân, trong bất cứ mối quan hệ nào, khi hai người tương tác đủ nhiều thì mâu thuẫn tất yếu sẽ xảy ra. Tại sao vậy? Mỗi con người sinh ra trong một gia đình khác nhau, được nuôi lớn trong môi trường khác nhau, có những trải nghiệm khác nhau, tất nhiên hình thành nên thế giới quan, nhân sinh quan và tính cách hoàn toàn khác biệt. Khi chung sống với nhau, những khác biệt giữa hai người đương nhiên dẫn đến mâu thuẫn.

Tại sao hầu hết mâu thuẫn vợ chồng là không thể giải quyết?

Theo Gottman, mâu thuẫn vợ chồng (hay giữa hai người bất kỳ) gồm 2 loại: loại có thể giải quyết và loại không thể giải quyết.

  • Mâu thuẫn có thể giải quyết là những vấn đề mà hai bên có thể thương lượng để giải quyết bằng cách tạo ra những thay đổi thực tế trong mối quan hệ của mình, như là thỏa thuận phân chia việc nhà như thế nào hay điều chỉnh giờ giấc của bản thân để phù hợp với người kia.
  • Mâu thuẫn không thể giải quyết là những vấn đề phản ánh sự khác biệt về tính cách, giá trị quan, nhân sinh quan của mỗi người. Những yếu tố này đã hình thành qua quá trình sống và trưởng thành của mỗi người, không dễ gì thay đổi được.

Bạn có biết: loại số 2 chiếm đến 70% trong một mối quan hệ? Vậy thì tại sao vẫn có những người sống vui vẻ hạnh phúc bên nhau cả đời?

Câu trả lời nằm ở hai chữ “yêu thương”

Nếu bạn vẫn muốn gò ép đối phương vào một khuôn mẫu mà bạn cho là hoàn hảo, thì chỉ là bạn tự đi ngược lại với tự nhiên. Đừng cố gắng thuyết phục bạn đời hy sinh một phần giá trị quan của họ, vì họ sẽ không làm thế đâu, dù có yêu bạn tới đâu đi nữa.

Thay vì thế, hãy lắng nghe họ và tìm hiểu tại sao họ lại hành động hay suy nghĩ như vậy. Cần rất nhiều yêu thương và kiên nhẫn để tôn trọng những đặc điểm cố hữu của một ai đó, nhất là khi đặc điểm đó khác với mình. Nhưng đừng quên khi học bất kỳ kỹ năng nào, điều bạn cần nhất là sự kiên trì luyện tập.

Giống như cách đón nhận những mè nheo, khóc lóc của con trong khủng hoảng tuổi lên 3, tôi cũng nhắc mình đón nhận những điều chưa hoàn hảo ở người chồng của mình. Có bạn nói rằng: như thế là hi sinh, là nhượng bộ đối phương, tại sao phải khổ như vậy? Đây gọi là trạng thái “chấp nhận nhưng không chấp nhận”, và nó khiến người ta đau khổ lắm.

Lạ thay, càng đi xa hơn trên con đường này, lòng tôi càng nhẹ nhõm. Chừng nào bạn còn nghĩ rằng việc chấp nhận con người của đối phương là sự nhượng bộ, thiệt thòi cho mình, chừng đó bạn còn đau khổ. Tình yêu thương thực thành, vô điều kiện không làm cho người ta cảm thấy khổ hạnh, hi sinh. Ngược lại, nó giống như tự tay mở cánh cửa của một ngục tù do chính mình tạo nên, để đến với bầu trời hạnh phúc.

Nó có màu của tự do.

Yêu thương,

Có thể bạn sẽ thích

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