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Giữa một thế giới đầy biến động, bố mẹ cần dạy con kỹ năng này để có cuộc đời thành công, hạnh phúc

Thời lượng đọc: 9 phút
Giáp Tết, giữa những ngày mưa phùn ảm đạm và tin dịch bệnh dập dồn, mình chỉ đinh ninh một ý nghĩ như thế này: Khi thế giới đầy biến động, điều thông minh nhất là buông khỏi những yếu tố bên ngoài và tìm về với con người bên trong thông thái của mỗi người.
Đó mới chính là hành trang quan trọng nhất mà mình muốn hai con có được trước khi bước vào đời, khi mà tương lai của thế giới chứa đựng quá nhiều bất định.
Bài viết dưới đây là bài đầu tiên của mình được đăng trên Afamily – cũng là một bài viết tự nhắc nhở bản thân và những bậc cha mẹ khác giữa những ngày đầy biến động này.
Hạnh phúc tại tâm. Mọi thứ đều bắt đầu từ bên trong chính bạn.

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Đã không còn nữa thời mà người ta tin rằng chỉ số IQ cao là yếu tố quyết định thành công trong tương lai của một đứa trẻ. Ngày càng nhiều nghiên cứu chỉ ra rằng trí tuệ cảm xúc (EQ) mới là nhân tố quan trọng giúp trẻ trở thành người thành công và hạnh phúc.

Trong một nghiên cứu thực hiện tại New Zealand trên 1.000 đứa trẻ và theo dõi tới khi chúng đến tuổi 30 cho thấy: Khả năng quản lý bản thân giúp trẻ thành công cao hơn so với các yếu tố khác như IQ, tình trạng kinh tế xã hội và hoàn cảnh gia đình. Những trẻ có khả năng quản lý bản thân tốt, khi lớn lên cũng có sức khỏe, thu nhập tốt hơn và ít phạm pháp hơn.

EQ quan trọng như vậy nhưng chúng ta lại không ưu tiên đúng mực. Đối với bố mẹ Việt, có lẽ thành tích trên lớp mới là điều đáng nói. Nếu cô giáo nói “con đứng thứ 2 trong lớp về môn toán”, hẳn bố mẹ sẽ vui hơn là khi “con chỉ đứng thứ 15 nhưng rất hòa đồng với bạn bè”.

Dạy con nhận diện và xử lý cảm xúc đúng cách

Phát triển EQ đầu tiên phải là học cách quản lý cảm xúc, bắt đầu từ việc nhận biết về cảm xúc. Cảm xúc là một hiện tượng tự nhiên bình thường của con người, và mỗi cảm xúc sinh ra đều có một tác dụng nhất định.

Nỗi buồn sẽ giúp ta sống chậm lại, tạo cơ hội để ta nhìn nhận về nguyên nhân gây ra nó. Chẳng hạn như khi bị điểm kém, con cảm thấy buồn, và con sẽ dừng mọi việc để nhìn nhận lại xem mình nên thay đổi điều gì trong cách học.

Còn sự tức giận sẽ khiến chúng ta suy nghĩ và hành động nhanh hơn, thúc đẩy ta bảo vệ quyền lợi cho chính mình. Chẳng hạn như khi một bạn trong lớp xúc phạm tới con, cảm xúc tức giận sẽ giúp con dũng cảm đối mặt và nói với bạn rằng: “Bạn không được phép nói tớ như vậy”.

Hãy dạy con rằng cảm xúc dù tích cực hay tiêu cực đều đáng được tôn trọng và nhìn nhận. Muốn vậy, bố mẹ phải thực sự đặt mình vào vị trí của con để hiểu và chấp nhận cảm xúc của con.

Một em bé 2 tuổi có thể trở nên cáu kỉnh chỉ vì không thể tự mình đi giày. Người lớn có thể nghĩ: “Không đi được thì bố mẹ đi giúp, có gì mà phải cáu. Quen cáu thành hư!”. Nhưng nếu đặt mình vào vị trí của con, ta mới hiểu cảm giác bất lực khó chịu khi đã cố gắng hết sức vẫn không tự làm được một việc đơn giản.

Tương tự, một em bé lớp 3 có thể bất lực phát khóc khi không giải được một bài toán, một “thanh niên” lớp 8 có thể nổi cáu khi mẹ “tự ý” giặt một chiếc áo mà con định mặc đi sinh nhật bạn vào tối đó. Trong những tình huống như vậy, bố mẹ cần sẵn sàng để tôn trọng cảm xúc của con.

Mặt khác, tôn trọng cảm xúc không có nghĩa là cho phép con hành động tự do theo cảm xúc. Bố mẹ hãy dạy con rằng đứng trước một tình huống, ta không thể quyết định cảm xúc nhưng có thể quyết định hành động của mình. Bố mẹ cũng nên đưa ra giới hạn cho con. Chẳng hạn, khi hai con tranh giành một món đồ chơi và có vẻ sắp đánh nhau, hãy dừng cuộc tranh cãi lại và nói thật nghiêm nghị nhưng bình tĩnh: “Hai con có thể tranh cãi nhưng tuyệt đối không được làm đau nhau”.

Đặt ra giới hạn không có nghĩa là dùng hình phạt hay mắng mỏ để bắt con phải quy phục. Bố mẹ hãy hướng dẫn con giải phóng cảm xúc một cách tích cực và an toàn. Ví dụ, khi hành động của bố khiến con tức giận, con không được xúc phạm bố mà hãy nói rằng con đang giận, sau đó quay đi và hét thật to. Con cũng không nên ném đồ chơi vì có thể làm vỡ hoặc làm người khác bị thương, nhưng một chiếc gối thì có thể.

Sửa mình rồi mới dạy con

Theo tiến sĩ tâm lý học John Gottman, bố mẹ có thể có 4 kiểu phản ứng khi đối mặt với cảm xúc của con:

Bỏ qua: bố mẹ coi cảm xúc của con là không quan trọng, cố gắng xóa bỏ nó càng nhanh càng tốt, thường bằng cách đánh trống lảng.

Phản đối: bố mẹ coi những cảm xúc tiêu cực của con là không thể chấp nhận được, cần loại bỏ ngay lập tức bằng các hình phạt.

Mặc kệ: bố mẹ chấp nhận mọi cảm xúc của con nhưng không giúp con giải quyết vấn đề hay đặt ra giới hạn cho con.

Hỗ trợ: bố mẹ chấp nhận cảm xúc tiêu cực, bình tĩnh trước cách thể hiện cảm xúc của con, và coi đó là cơ hội để kết nối, hướng dẫn con cách gọi tên cảm xúc và giải quyết vấn đề.

Trong cuốn sách “Raising an emotionally intelligent child” (tạm dịch: “Nuôi dạy một đứa trẻ giàu trí tuệ cảm xúc”) của Gottman, kết quả nghiên cứu trên 120 gia đình cho thấy những đứa trẻ nhận được kiểu phản ứng thứ 4 – hỗ trợ sẽ khỏe mạnh hơn, học tập tốt hơn và hòa đồng hơn với bạn bè.

EQ là nhân tố không thể thiếu nếu muốn con trở thành người thành công và hạnh phúc. Mối quan hệ với bố mẹ, gia đình là môi trường quan trọng nhất để con rèn luyện khả năng quản lý cảm xúc của chính mình. Vẫn biết rằng nói luôn dễ hơn làm, nhưng với tình yêu và lý trí, bố mẹ hoàn toàn có thể để trở thành “huấn luyện viên cảm xúc” đồng hành cùng con.

Yêu thương,

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