Ngay từ khi cái con người cao 80cm kia học nói từ “KHÔNG”, mình đã bắt đầu phải học đấu tranh tư tưởng trong nhiều tình huống mỗi ngày. Cái sự cãi lại của chúng nó bắt đầu từ sớm như vậy, và càng lớn, càng muốn độc lập với bố mẹ, thì chúng nó lại càng cãi tợn.
Với Bia, 2,5 tuổi:
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KHÔNG!!!
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Ăn cơm xong thì con mới được ăn bánh nhé.
*Cau có nhăn nhó* CON BIẾT RỒI, sao mẹ cứ nói mãi thế.
Ơ kìa… Mình có làm gì đâu nhỉ? Mình nói rất nhẹ nhàng, mình chỉ muốn tốt cho con. Bực thật đấy. Mình sinh chúng nó ra, làm bao việc vì chúng nó. Thế mà giờ chúng nó cãi lại mình, tấn công mình, bực bội với mình.
Tóm lại là tại sao?
Một thời gian khó chịu về việc này, mình cũng đọc nhiều để đi đến kết luận rằng: việc con cãi lại chẳng phải là do mình, hay là do con. Cái sự cãi lại là một phần của sự phát triển tự nhiên ở trẻ.
Khi bọn trẻ lớn lên, chúng liên tục thử tìm ra giới hạn của mình. Việc bố mẹ cần làm là cho chúng biết những giới hạn rõ ràng đó là ở đâu. NHƯNG không có nghĩa là đưa ra các quy tắc, bắt con làm theo bằng mọi giá và nếu con không nghe thì phạt, nếu phạt vẫn không nghe thì thôi coi như mình là bố mẹ thất bại, con thành đứa trẻ hư. Không phải vậy!
Công thức chuẩn ở đây là: sự đồng cảm + đặt giới hạn rõ ràng.
Cụ thể, trong những tình huống con trả treo, cãi lại thì mình đang thực hành 3 bước như thế này:
Bước 1: Dừng lại
Khi con phản ứng dù có vẻ hỗn láo đến đâu, việc đầu tiên mình làm là: TUYỆT ĐỐI KHÔNG PHẢN ỨNG GÌ CẢ. Mình đứng im như tượng. Mình giữ sự bình tĩnh bằng cách tưởng tượng mình như ngọn núi Phú Sĩ sừng sững nhưng hoàn toàn lặng yên soi bóng mặt hồ. Sự tưởng tượng này giúp mình không phản ứng lại ngay lập tức với con, còn bạn có thể chọn bất kỳ cách nào có hiệu quả với bạn.
Bước này có khó không? Quá khó. Bên trong mình đang như ngọn núi lửa phun trào chứ còn như núi Phú Sĩ cái khỉ gì nữa! Bao nhiêu ý nghĩ bực bội oán trách ùn ùn kéo đến:
Mình có làm gì sai đâu?
Sao nó lại hỗn hào như thế được cơ chứ??
Mình sinh ra nó, yêu thương nó, nuôi nó vất vả như thế mà nó hỗn với mình!
Nhưng nhờ tưởng tượng ra ngọn núi Phú Sĩ, mình không nói ra những điều đó. Bởi đã quá nhiều lần mình nói ra để rồi hối hận. Nó không có tác dụng gì cả. Nó chỉ làm cho tình hình tệ hơn.
Bước 2: “Con không cố ý nói như vậy đâu, phải không”
Mình tự nhắc bản thân như thế. Mình dừng việc đang làm lại, nhìn vào mắt con và hỏi “Con vừa nói gì cơ?”.
Chú ý: ở đây không phải một cái nhìn dọa nạt kiểu trừng mắt lên như muốn nói “Mày láo à, chết với tao” đâu nhé. Mục đích của việc nhìn vào mắt con là để bắt đầu sự kết nối, chuẩn bị cho bước sau. Trong tình huống này, bạn găng lên thì con cũng găng lên. Bạn dịu dàng thì con cũng dịu lại.
Bước 3: “Mẹ yêu con, nhưng mẹ không thể chấp nhận thái độ đó”
Đây là lúc quan trọng để sử dụng công thức sự đồng cảm + đặt giới hạn rõ ràng.
Vẫn cần phải nói với con rõ ràng rằng, thái độ trả treo như vậy là không thể chấp nhận. Nhưng thay vì trách cứ hay đe dọa hình phạt, mình chỉ mô tả cảm xúc của mình thôi.
“Mẹ cảm thấy buồn khi con hét lên với mẹ, chỉ vì mẹ bảo con dọn đồ chơi sau khi chơi xong.”
Thất vọng, tổn thương, buồn – Hãy miêu tả cảm xúc của bạn, và để con tự đánh giá xem thái độ trả treo là đúng hay sai.
Đôi khi, chỉ đến đây là con nhận sai và xin lỗi, hai mẹ con hòa nhau. Nhưng cũng có lúc con vẫn khăng khăng với thái độ đó, và cả hai mẹ con cùng giận giữ. Lúc này, mình hiểu rằng giảng giải, đôi co sẽ chẳng ích gì. Mình sẽ lại tưởng tượng đến núi Phú Sĩ và tiếp tục giữ im lặng, chánh niệm với cái sự tức giận của mình. Hình như cái kiểu “lấy bất biến ứng vạn biến” này rất dễ lây, nên là con cũng sẽ im lặng theo chứ không nổi khùng lên nữa.
Khi mọi chuyện đã qua, con bình tĩnh vui vẻ trở lại mình mới mang lý lẽ ra giảng giải. Sau cùng thì, mình luôn nói với con rằng con cãi lại hay tỏ thái độ với mẹ không có nghĩa là con hư, con chỉ đang có những cảm xúc khó chịu và con không biết làm thế nào để giải tỏa.
Mọi kiểu trả treo, cãi lại đều chỉ là biểu hiện của một điều duy nhất: con đang cần giúp đỡ. Hiểu được điều đó rồi, việc xử lý tự nhiên cũng dễ hơn. Viết đến đây, mình thấy mình đúng là một “chiến binh mẹ” dũng cảm xịn xò ra phết. Khi con thiếu tôn trọng, mình vẫn lấy tình yêu thương để giúp con đối mặt với cảm xúc của chính con. Sau cùng thì dạy con mình cũng nên người.
Bạn đã sẵn sàng để trở thành một “chiến binh bố/chiến binh mẹ” chưa? Hãy cho mình biết nhé 🙂
Yêu thương,
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